Can’t Feel My Face

I found that lately, I don’t feel too much.

About five years or so ago, I had been feeling too much. I felt all the inconsistencies, negativity, elation, and beauty inwardly and I didn’t have enough experience to interpret what any of those meant. Eventually, it led me to become a kind of social porcupine. I didn’t want to feel too much because I didn’t understand what most of it meant. I didn’t have a solid interpretation of things coming from my perspective that whatever opinion I had would be echoed from others. Consequently, I tried to shut out everything by building a spiked wall made out of apathy. For years, the wall towered over anyone who wanted to get close – coming to a point when it started hurting people I used to care about.

The key phrase is, “used to care about”.

Looking back, the reason that I lost people along the way was never really clarified. I could go on blaming myself or I could talk to them now in the guise of professional curiosity. However, the misgivings and misunderstandings would probably get in the way of my explanations. In the end, I would start feeling too much again.

I have a mixed opinion about feeling too much.

Lately, I started feeling again.

It scares me.

Of Sleepiness and Musings

Who you are, who you should be, and who you ought to be are very different individuals occupying a common physical existence.

Who you are is mostly what you perceive yourself to be. That person exists within a room free of all moral or social obligations that exists outside his prescribed confinement. That person survives on thoughts and persists in the meanderings of emotions. However, who you perceive yourself to be usually occupies a very small percentage of the roles that you play within a given day. Give or take, this side of you would only surface an hour before and an hour after you go to bed. In that sweet expanse of truly living as you intend to be, I find that for me, I am all but productive.

Who you should be is another difficult persona to unravel. In the quarter of a century that I have been alive, I found that the person who you should be changes at any given moment. Sometimes, it’s a requirement of the people around you. They tell you to be someone they think they need or someone who can be a little bit more tolerant of their beliefs. This is never going to be about you. This is always going to be a product of the demand of others. As denigrating as it seems, who you should be is a slave of another person’s whims. Or so it seems.

Finally, the person who you ought to be is the goal you need to achieve. It is a different person than the person you should be because this is the only other positive thing you have control over. This person is your ideal self. It’s all your aspirations and dreams condensed into a shining goal that you work so hard to protect and reach. The problem is that probably, you’ll become this person someday and then you’ll end up lost and empty being bereft of your goal. Either way, it’s a sad goal to achieve. As I see it, if you become this person, you lose your goal. If you don’t achieve it, you failed to realize your life’s work. Whichever is the scarier event, I leave the decision to you.

Why did I talk about this after more than two years of silence?

I’m afraid that I’m in a place where all these three people are trying to surface in breakneck speeds. Each facet coexist and are demanded to come forth so vehemently that sometimes, I feel like I’m losing sight of who I should be at any given time.

Little by little, I’m shoving pieces of myself into cardboard boxes; locking them in well-sorted containers until such time that I can call upon them again.

Bit by bit, I’m learning who I should be and who I ought to be while saying goodbye to the person who I really am. After playing so many roles to a point of exhaustion, I find that the hardest person to actually convince is me.

But hey, it’s been a while. Let me pour my heart out to you again. Join me in my current journey into the unknown world of a young professional just as you had joined me when I was a young adult.

Take my hand.

Let me take you to my wonderland.

Thailand and Fatal Wanderlust

The institute I used to work for had this thing for travel. People would come and go with just a tell-tale post-it in their desks and I found myself often stuck all by my lonesome, nursing a cup of milk tea. A few months had gone by like this until one uneventful day, I was asked for my passport number.

Why?

I was told that the team would be going on a short trip to Thailand and that passports were needed immediately. Back then, I just shrugged it off, like it was nothing but now that I looked back to it, I was the proverbial unsuspecting victim of the viral disease called wanderlust. A few whirls later, I found myself in a tight line trying to get my passport in order and thinking of what I’m supposed to be doing there for half a week.

Then it came.

We went to Thailand.

TRIP REMARKS

1. Ticket price: free
2. Accommodation: free
3. Pocket money: $150.00 for three days

WHAT I WAS DOING THEN

I was working on a project back in 2012 when the news came along: the cluster was going to Thailand for some office activity. I was all for it but then I remembered something else, I haven’t a passport yet. My boss said it was okay with her if I didn’t come because apparently, passport processing in the country could take you a lifetime and a half to get done. I would take none of it, of course. I mean, this was a trip to a view you don’t get to see very often so a level-headed person (such as not myself) would not pass this up.

I decided to go get a passport three and a half weeks before the flight.

Being directly related to someone working for the government, I enjoyed this one good policy they had: the red lane. Apparently, a faster passport processing time is promised to the government employee as well as first degree relatives of said employee. So to you people out there who have to get their passports in a rush and have a government employee parent or spouse, you can use the red lane to get your passes.

For everyone else, the chaotic line at the DFA starts at 0700H. It’s best if you apply two months prior your desired trip date. I’m not kidding.

WHAT I PACKED

I was from a tropical country going to another tropical country. I packed what I would usually wear – light shirts, a few pants and another pair of shoes. No slippers for me because I wasn’t going to the beach or anything (I was WORKING). No dresses because I don’t like walking around new places in uncomfortable clothes. I brought slacks though, just because it’s a work thing. Anyway, I’m not big on dressing up so if you want to wear anything fashionable, go right ahead. Just don’t wear thick clothes; it’s downright suicide.

I recommend that you to bring sunscreen if you’re going in the summer. Most of the places you will go to involves being exposed to sunlight (but I bet what you wanted to see was the night life anyway) so prepare yourself for burnt skin if you forgot about this. Anyway, Thailand sells all kind of products for a cheap price. It’s because labor there is cheaper than other places so the products there are also sold for less (which is nice).

WHERE I STAYED

So first of, we checked in on MyHotel Pratunam. The room I got was pretty good. It had two beds which I shared with myself. So what I did was jump around until my companions called me for meetings and happenings. That aside, here’s a picture of the room I stayed in:

It’s a clean room which really works well for me. The view wasn’t really breath taking outside though since we were situated right smack in the middle the Pratunam shopping district. This is a pretty nice place to stay in if you plan to shop later on. It’s in the Pratunam district where various stalls and malls litter the place. I bought myself shirts and blouses with just a 10-minute walk from my place.

WHERE WE WENT

• The Naj

This is a restaurant situated in Bangkok. I think we wound up here due to a recommendation from one of our companion’s friends. I was at first taken back by the presence of the place. There was a small alcove leading towards the restaurant (it wasn’t situated right at the roadside). Then there was music playing when we entered the receiving area. This place is the go-to destination if you want ambiance served in huge dollops.

HOWEVER, The Naj is not a place for the newly baptized in the world of Thai cuisine. You can maybe appreciate a few of the dishes but most of them take time to love. It needs to be a constant affair or else, even the provided palette cleanser will override your taste buds.

Anyway, here’s a picture of the place from Google (because I think I forgot the camera back at the hotel):

There’s a plus side to you first-timers not ending up eating: they hold live cultural dances during dinner. They have this little stage up front where they present to you traditional dances as you eat…which is nice.

• Khaosan Street

Khaosan street is situated in Bangkok. It’s a nice place to go to when you need to unwind at night. The place offers street foods as well as restobars and small fashion kiosks. Along the street you can also find massage parlors and gold stores. This place is lively all throughout the night (in all the meaning that apply).

I mean really lively.

If you’re there to experience the night life, then this is the place where you have to go. As for me, I just contented myself with looking at the various wares that littered the sidewalk…among other things. i was eating through the whole street and when i got back to the hotel, the toilet was my best friend.

• Wat Traimit Temple

What you should probably expect from going on a planned tour to Thailand is a tour of their temples. They have The Golden Buddha, The Reclining Buddha and the Emerald Buddha temples listed off in the first half day of the cultural tour. among all of these, what really caught my attention was the Wat Traimit Temple which housed the Golden Buddha.

The place was intricately designed, to say the least. It was as if it was a living tesseract with all its attention to detail.

• Kwai River Bridge (Kanchanaburi)

There is a feeling of nostalgia when I walked the tracks along the Kwai River. It’s the same feeling I got every time I walked inside the ruins of Corregidor. There is an overwhelming sense of sadness coupled with longing, all topped with gripping curiosity that always washes over me when ruins of old batteries and forts from the second world war present themselves in vivid colors. It reminds me to be a better person afterwards.

• Damnoen Saruak Floating Market (Ratchaburi)

Finally, we went to the Floating Market. They sell viciously delicious Thai lanzones here. You should buy 10kg of it when you can, seriously.

On a side note, you may opt not to ride boats in this place. They have mini bridges that connect the island markets together.

HOW IT WAS

This trip sparked the wanderlust in me. It showed me a living world with actual people and not just another picture on Google. What I regretted not doing was going to Phuket though. However, I can just live that to another time.

The food adventure was something else, though.

Here’s a praying Thai McDonald from the MBK branch to bid you welcome and goodbye.

I’m Hightailing It To The World

I’m going to try out something new in this belated post about the new chapter(s) in my life. Currently, I’m pursuing a career I’ve been pushed into taking (through the twist of fate or quite possibly something else). Not that it’s anything less than extravagant. If anything, it’s more than what I have hoped for.

With that aside, I’m moving on with this idea: travel diary.

YES! This is the thing I’ve been wrapping my head around since I started seeing more of the known world. Not that I’ve gotten far, that’ll take time and a ton of funds to get to. But for now, I’m just going to post what I can and I can’t promise being that accurate about it since I’ll be using someone else’s photos for some posts (because I’m a lazy photographer). I asked their permission though, so there.

I’m feeling a tide coming. Let’s just enjoy the great adventures of the sea, land and sky.

A Year Hence

It’s been over a year since I had anything to say. Let me just point out that life’s being good right now. The drama of 2013 went away with nothing more than a night of tears and a week of realization. The melodrama just gave way to someone who’s taking everything on a brighter track.

People from where I’m posting this are great. Some might be a little bit odd and others downright awful but overall, the year’s experience has been great. The only downside is that everything is always 30km away.

I’m feeling relaxed. It’s been 12 years since I felt like this. I’m seeing the direction I’ve been meaning to take without the excess baggage of bullshit I was almost pushed to take. There’s no more of the pressure I was used to getting from where I was previously predisposed.

But I won’t be settling here. I’m going to get moving as far away as possible from the things that previously made me feel like crawling out of my skin. I’m going to do it all in style.

I’m going to do it and make it all happen with you.

Bits and Pieces

We’ll be sitting under a strange canopy of the universe in a distant peninsula. Underneath all the absent stars, I’ll be looking at you but I won’t be seeing you. I won’t be seeing you in all the ways that count but I will know you – part by enticing part. A soft breeze would blow and we’ll shudder under its welcome weight and by some odd chance we’ll be moving closer – inch by enticing inch. It would take every ounce of me to not fall through that proverbial edge but when I do give in, it will be the sweetest fall I’ll be taking.

I’ll be over the edge and back again, exploring you piece by enticing piece.

The Random Fcuks We Give

 So here are 20 random facts about me that I will randomly share to you. This may be done out of spite or boredom but for sure, this is done without regard for the audience’ best interest.

1. High temperatures are the constant bane of my existence. If you want to send me away, just put me in a hot room and I’ll high tail it to the nearest exit in less than five minutes.
2. I fall asleep faster when I lie on my left side than when I do on my right or back.
3. I don’t play DotA. I just wanted to put it in light. I know how to play but I don’t.
4. I usually get called I sir/mister when I’m out shopping for clothes. It doesn’t bother me that much but the look on the attendant’s face when I start to speak is just priceless.
5. Anything’s fine with me as long as it doesn’t cause bodily harm.
6. I don’t like wine of any color and any brand.
7. I used to want to replace the Pope. That was until I found out that I had a snowflake’s chance in hell to become one.
8. I can’t sit still for more than five minutes and I have the attention span of an empty cardboard box.
9. I get jittery when I’m not early for a meeting or whatever. It doesn’t matter what the affair is. I just have this constant need to be early.
10. I feel uncomfortable whenever I see the number 10.
11. I have a love-hate relationship with mayonnaise. I love it when I can’t taste it; I hate it when I do.
12. I hate getting wet with clothes on. It feels all sticky and clingy.
13. I can’t believe how far away fact number 20 is from number 13. I’m actually running out of randomness.
14. I will most likely be running a fever if I get less than five hours of sleep for three consecutive days.
15. I find watching old Pinoy flicks to be a fun hobby. I don’t mean 90’s flicks but more of 70’s to 80’s. The harder they pronounce English lines, the better.
16. I don’t like drizzles. It’s like a half-assed attempt at getting people wet. If it’s going to rain, then let it rain hard. If it’s not gonna rain, then let the sun shine through.
17. I think human feet slightly resemble ginger root.
18. A small gathering of small holes scare the living shiz out of me. The image looks so disturbing that I can’t even shake it out after imagining it.
19. Sometimes, I count the number of times a person mentions their favourite statement-filler (like when a talking person stops and thinks of something to say and utters things like hmmm, ok, uhhh, etc). I usually tally it and do triplicates of the raw data.
20. I think the world would be a better place to live in if I stopped doing this and focused on more important things…like sleeping.