To The Catalyst [REVAMPED BABY]

I’m laying it down. I wanted to write poetry about the whole ordeal but I thought that poetry would be too much of an art to portray a thing short of being a monstrosity. I guess I lost the passion to write another line for someone who no longer belongs to the present and never in the future. Yet, dragging on with a thousand words in my head seems like a comfort even if the memory isn’t.

Tonight, I write the ugliest, most disconcerting and disgusting lines I’ve ever written for tonight, as I look back to those memories, I see everything except beauty. I think it should only be fair. I lost the point of what I did and I see no meaning in what I wrote in my very first post here [feel free to look around]. I feel the scars but I forgot how it got there. I don’t feel the pain, I just think it should be painful yet I think I lost the gift of touch along with the gift to feel. Not really, I’m just pulling your leg.

I no longer remember that night in October. Or morning. Or whatever time it was that I read about. I lost that November day in the bus when I tucked it inside my shallow pockets. For sure, you lost it too somewhere along the way but what of it? It’s ugly. It’s disgusting. It’s everything that you wished it would be [and sweetie, I’m not exaggerating]. For the most part, it was everything you are only less with the ugly.

I’m not looking for fights. I’m done with licking my wounds and running away from short visions of those times. I’m over the oh-pity-me-I’ve-been-scorned phase in the first week or so. I just couldn’t shake off this urge to describe to you how much of an error you are to the world [don’t be angry just yet, you’ve been thinking along the same lines all your life, sweetie].

Batshit ugly. That’s what you are sweetie. I won’t apologize but you should [I’m not naming anyone so yeah, feel free to give me the satisfaction of pointing out who you are, sweetie]. Spreading all that ugly around the world should be crime. You think you deserve to die? No you don’t. It’d be too much of a reward for you. You should continue living while counting the days, agonizing minute by agonizing minute, to your most ultimate doom [I’m pointing out the redundancy of superlative usage]. I don’t hate you anymore. Not in the least bit [I’m not sarcastic]. I just hate it that the world becomes less beautiful because you exist yet I can’t wish you the joy of dying.

Oh cry me a river of your woe, why don’t you. You think your life’s shit yet you don’t know how it is to suffer. You think you have family problems, well guess what, you’re not the only one with the dysfunctional family. What else have you been raving about? Oh yes, about wisdom and maturity? You don’t have an ounce of it. Reality check, you’re a kid, sweetie. You’re that grade schooler who thinks he knows how the world works yet he doesn’t even know what’s behind door number 2. Maturity? You don’t even know what the word means let alone how it works. Love? You never had it to begin with so how do you think you can give it to someone else? Quit thinking that the drama of the world revolves around you because it doesn’t. You’re not the only one who’s getting fucked by college life. You’re not the only one who has to go to class at the break of dawn. Consideration? The word is alien to you. All you think of and all you do is your selfishness acting. You’re annoying attempt to be noticed yet…ah yes…you failed on that too didn’t you? What intellect is that in that thick skull of yours that you put so much pride in it? Bullshit.

I’m not angry. I’m just seeing you for what you are. You don’t deserve me, sweetie. Hell no. in my own twisted and self-centered sense, I think I granted you a favor. This is my overdue closure message for you [not the cheesy one sweetie, I just wrote that one because I thought I was the one who didn’t deserve you which is so the other way around]. You suck so much, you make a whore look bad.

So I end this here. You can’t stop the flood, sweetie.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda


About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

4 Responses to To The Catalyst [REVAMPED BABY]

  1. guerdon says:

    “tonight i write the saddest lines…/ i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too…”

    how lucky he… thanks for sharing this…. do not worry, you will heal.

  2. kyogakura says:

    already have. the remedy’s waiting at the hall…but i wish the remedy knew =]

  3. sapphire says:

    Wow. This is very grungy. But I like it. :))

    That old guy I had had wished to die. And I would’ve wanted him – them to. But I figured they musn’t. It’s true that dying would be an undeserved favor for them. So they deserve to live – to see how big asses they are. 😉

    • kyoichi says:

      this was well over a year ago. =] brink of heart break but heck, you know how it goes XD

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