Sealing Away Some Uncorked Reagents

So many times have I found myself walking in haste as if a pack of rabid wolves and pink panthers were after me. For each time, I have found myself in the midst of an unknown place or else caught in hostile company. Yet, for all the searing stares and mockery I have received from hasty and aimless walking I cannot imagine myself blaming my feet for what they have done. In fact, the happiest moments in my life are spent when I am lost and someone manages to find me and lead me back to a clear path. This is figuratively speaking of course. I rarely am lost, not even when I try.

Anyway, my experiences don’t account for much. I’m too young to claim anything sublime and historic yet I’m too old to excuse myself from responsibility. Right now, you read this knowing me perhaps by the name of Kyo or perhaps by some other humiliating name. Right now, I can care less about names since all I’ll ever be is a 9-digit number. I’m 2008-00977 and it took this long for that to sink in.

2008-00977 is my student number in this university in our country. Last year, and perhaps the years before, there may have been a 2007-00977, a 2006-00977 and a 2005-00977. We can count down to 1908-00977 for all its worth but that would be so damn pointless won’t it? Well, I’m not making any point really…I’m just tired of sitting here and not walking.

Back to walking. Today marks the end of a semester and I’m on my way to level transition. More failures and misgivings are on the way. Tearful moments are not an unwelcome occurrence and so are bouts of fury. Goodbye’s will be said sooner or later and a few hello’s will be most welcome. Change, for all its queer irony, is as constant as death. Change happens as clearly as death does. Today marks the death of a semester and the changing tides of our time.

Aimless feet walk aimless ways. I’m a shallow puddle who can be affected by the slightest of disturbances. I’m this frozen chocolate which can be easily melted at room temperature. I’m this person who can be happy by just walking behind the shadow of an interesting person. I may appear stalker-ish but heck, what can I do if it’s in my nature to observe? I can’t say I’ve loved but when faced with facts, how can I deny it? So sue me if it’s a crime to be dense. Just strap me to an electric chair and I’m done. My mom would be so proud of me if I told her I don’t know what to do with my life. Truthfully, I want to serve people. I want to be a teacher someday and a damn good one at that. I’ve told this to my best friend once (he’s a moral life-saver) and he gave me the boost to carry on with my blurred conquest in the academe. I want to be the teacher who gets halted in the streets by her students just to say a quiet “hi” or even a shy “how’s it going?” Haha, that would be so great.

Right now, I don’t think I can accomplish anything. Not now, at least. I can feel a heart break coming. Pity that I can’t let things go as I vowed I would. I swore I’ll let it go like a passing breeze. Sadly, I’m bad at keeping promises, especially ones I make with myself. Ironically, I have this offending tendency to chain-swear. Boo, humbug with that I guess.

I guess I relearned a few things this year. I relearned how to fail and stand up only to face failure again. I relearned that not everyone can cope with failing and not everyone can accept success without a backward glance. I guess I relearned how to wait around for people who are not even worth a second of your life but you have to wait for them anyway. I relearned how to wait around for people who won’t give you the time of day too. Basically, I relearned how to wait, an activity I’m almost disturbed that I accepted all too willingly. I relearned how to treasure a person who can’t treasure me back. Why use treasure? I guess I’m just fiddling with substitute words so bear with me. I relearned how to take others for granted too. Godsmack in the face the last lesson turned out to be.

I’m walking to a queer future right now. It scares the heck out me but I have to walk the walk someday and, unfortunately for me, that someday is now. Currently, I only wish that the someone I’ve learned to treasure can somehow find this post and understand it. It’s really vague and that’s the beauty of it. Think on it. The moments I’ve spent with you were moments of eternity, albeit fleeting and queer.

So I guess this one’s for you. Thank you for sharing this eternity with me.




About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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