Settling for the Least Best Thing

 

I could be the alpha wolf but no, I settled for the spare meat instead.

Today is a Saturday. I woke up with a full bladder and a raging stomach ache. I thought peeing would ease the pain, as it usually does, but it didn’t. I went back to bed and balled up to a cruddy fetal position. I have very low tolerance for pain but for this, I can bear it for a week. I’m so used to this kind of epic battle. Finally, after much deliberation on my part, I went back to the can and did what I had to do.

But it didn’t make things any easier.

So now, instead of studying for my removal exams, I’m writing this in hopes of getting my mind of the blunt and annoying pain that threatens to sabotage my lunch.

I’ve always been happy with what I do. Happiness is a crucial part of achieving a goal. If I’m not happy with what I do, I fail, irreparably and miserably so. I lose the usual touch of pseudo-perfection and the perks that come along with it. That said, if I’m not happy, I settle for the least and that is complete and utter failure.

Failure is not all that it’s hyped up to be. It does not ruin a person or trample any dreams of a perfect world. It is not a gaping void of doom that can eat a person in one fell swoop. To me, failure is a dream. A very unpleasant one than can get very addicting and all you need to do is wake up from it. You can fail as many times as you want but be sure to wake up and carry on with the real world. This is how I see it and this is how I cope with said gaping void of doom.

At the first taste of failure, I learned to wake up.

It was four or so years ago. Four years, six months, nine days ago but hey, who’s counting? It was the height of arrogance. A high school freshman from the province comes to the city to learn. The freshman thought it was going to be easy so the freshman didn’t bother with the details. It was arrogance and underestimation that laid the foundations of the dream. It was the first failing mark that sparked the abrupt wake up call for said freshman.

The freshman woke up and washed the residue of sleep from her face.

It was then, in that moment between sleep and wake, that I started settling for the least best thing.

As I said, failure is the least best thing. I failed because I was no longer happy. It sounds like an excuse because it is. It is my own brand of alibi and I abuse it to an extent of undress that I would not even like to see. Conquering the least best thing is a cinch. You just have to wade around mud and keep your head up even if you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Just keep your head dry and out of the murky waters and you’ll do fine. Settling for the best there is takes a whole lot of effort to gain. Aside from not getting your head wet, you have to practice synchronized swimming and maybe throw in a fancy dive move. After that, you’re still not sure you’ll get full marks for all the sweat and tears you shed. The bar of excellence is like that final stretch in a sprint race, it’s already there but it takes all that you have to reach it and win.

I’ve been there. I already dreamed of that shiny trophy and I have no laurels to rest upon. I only have this barely satisfactory report card and a cart of bandages to show the world. Yes, I know that what I’ve done is nothing to what others already went through. Yes, I know I’m a kid who has angst issues. Yes, I know this much but it’s still not enough and that frustrates me. Ultimately, yes, I know I can do better and I have the means and tools to do it.

It’s all a matter of choice for my part.

I’m stubborn. Being that as it may, my mindset cannot easily be altered. But I’m a person with no plans too so the mindset is just my imagination working on overtime. Or on a possible overtime pay. I work on motivation and happiness. This is becoming quite circular, right? Bear with me, we’ll make it through, I swear. I’m a constant victim of denial too. I function on irony and antonyms so the normal “you can do it” won’t work for me. I like the “you-are-a-failure-why-were-you-even-born-you-suck” kind of motivation. I like the bitter taste of the negation of my existence so much that I smile even with the diminishing sound of my heartbeat. The more you push me down, the more I strive to prove you wrong.

I am worth more than what you think I am. I can do more than what you think I can. Heck, I deserve more than what society dictates. This is motivation. This is my sword and shield, my steed and fort. But hey, a random “you-are-good-at-this” or a “you-are-funny” can motivate me too. Just don’t make it sound flowery, I tend to mistrust compliments a lot.

This is all I got to show for now. I have here a weak stomach and a fleeting sense of studiousness. I’ve settled for the worst of the worst before and I might have to rethink that. How about settling for what I deserve for once? What do I deserve anyway, a kick in the privates or a blade up the skull? Whichever the case, I’ve been working these murky waters for far too long and it bores me. I think I need to get a pool next time, even if it’s just a kiddie one.

Yes, I settled for the spare meat and the alpha wolf got the sirloins and slabs upon slabs of choice cuts. But hey, I’ll leave the pack when I’m good and ready and remember this alpha, I will become this pack’s worst adversary and I will strike you down and claim your throne. I will be the best and you will be the pride that I will step upon. I won’t settle for the least, I’ve had enough of mud and your constant jeering every time I get sacked. Enough of this my alpha, soon you shall rest your pessimism and let the sun conquer the faded moon.

I settled for the spare meat and it was the best I ever had.

Advertisements

About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: