I’ll Be In Hell For The Next Two Hours

I’m thinking but I’m getting tired of it. Equations are running in my head and I’m feeling light-headed. Derivatives, integrals, curly letter d’s and squiggly extended letter s – just what the heck should they mean to me, I wonder?

I thought chemistry was an independent science looking only into the subject matter. Of course, I was wrong, just like most of my answers in written exams. Sciences are dependent on each other but their base will always be Mathematics. Bitterness aside, Math made Physics and Physics made Chemistry. As the scientist began to gossip among themselves, they decided to make a spin-off for Chemistry and made Biochemistry. Biochemistry is my hell and reprieve. It’s another love-hate relationship, only this is a serendipitous one.

It’s only been two months since the term started and I’m getting the vacation longing. Actually, I hate taking time off from work. I get bored easily at home and cards can only go so far. But now, if I can only have a full weekend to myself without worry of another academic endeavor, I’ll be one happy burned out student.

If only I can graduate on time. My only goal was not the fail a subject before my third year and now, I’m in my third year and that goal has been realized. Now what? I am faced with another goal and that is to graduate on time. That means I can’t fail at anything else for the next two years. I’m almost there but that ‘almost there’ is the longest stretch there is.

But I guess this stress is one of the graces that has come to help me take my mind of depressing things. That is, things that doesn’t really concern the world in general but can ultimately kill an individual in due time. Right now, there are at least three things that could kill me if I think of them. As meaningless as they are, they’re all that I have to this reality.

-||X||-

I notice how people can be so full of themselves sometimes. I guess people are just built that way but sometimes…sometimes…there are people who take the world into their shallow little hole of doom and keep them there just to have someone to share their misery with. And it’s sad to know that competitiveness can swallow a person whole until all that they have are shadows of their friends – friends who are just friends when they don’t threaten your success.

But I guess that’s just how it is. After all, success is addictive and a taste of it is something anyone will most likely regret losing. But everyone’s different. Not everyone is built in the same way as one individual. Not every day is a glory day. Someday, there’ll be a day in the sun again and if it doesn’t come now, does it matter?

Hope and wait – this is the best we can do for an uncertain future.

-||X||-

There are showmen and actors living in this world.

Showmen are people who put up a show for other people’s enjoyment. They know what to sell to people to make them liked. They know your desires and show them to you in a glitter-induced frenzy until you believe that it’s real. Until the show ends, you’re living your dream as you wanted it to happen. When it ends, the showman leaves you with a sense of loss deep enough to kill.

Actors however are people who put up a face and become what you want them to be. They become what they want you to want – someone you desire. Then you’re lured into their world. They take your essence and ingest it until all you are is a shell of what you were. Now you’re not even someone anymore. Then they leave, acting for someone else.

In this reality, there are people who act as the society suggests they should. That is, until self-preservation clouds their performance. People can become savage, ruining their as well as others’, lives.

These people are what I can’t stand.

They blame others for their mistakes and make a scene as though it were them who were gravely damaged. For my own sense of petty judgment, they shouldn’t have the right to live because people like these, the world can do better without.

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I’m not trying to act professional about philosophy. All that I have with me is bartending philosophy, one that’s shallow but can somehow make sense without making your brain bleed.

But anyway, that aside, I just want to say a few more things before this entry ends. And they are:

  • People shouldn’t compare themselves with others because that can only lead to bitterness. Be happy with what you are.
  • Success is addictive and it doesn’t last forever. If your time in the sun is over, be happy with its memories and don’t let it be your downfall. Who knows, maybe your time will come again.
  • Responsibility is a situational thing. Period.
  • This world is crawling with people who have little regard for others. It’s up to ourselves to decide whether we can make a change.
  • Affection doesn’t come easy nor does it leave swiftly. It’s fostered by pain and is ended by pain.
  • I have a new deck – a standard elf deck. I’m happy about it.

About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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