My Indecent Wishes of Happiness

After spending 18 Christmas eves in my life and spending half of that wallowing in self-pity and another unremembered part in juvenile cheer, I always held hope that this upcoming one would at least be different.

I could be happy if I chose to. It’s just that I could and never would oblige myself with something good. I can’t even trust myself with doing something worthwhile. So this year, I’m indulging in my favorite form of solitude, the depressed and sarcastic one.

What form of prowess had dared me to think that this year’s season would be different? It’s the same. I’m not spending it alone. I’m spending it with a lot of people. I just feel like a stranger to everyone I know and that’s not saying a lot. I don’t know that many people since I’m not actually one to actively socialize. I don’t like talking to people I don’t know. I’m afraid of leaving my comfort zone.

What’s new anyway? Same old loneliness and same old reasons from more than five years ago. I have no real reason to be depressed. I just feel lonely. I tried to drown it by ‘partying’ left and right but that could only work so long. Maybe I should dabble on alcohol but who am I kidding? I never liked how that thing tasted. I’ll just bawl my eyes out in a few and be done with it.

I’m trying to reach out to a few people who I thought would at least listen but I guess that was the wrong thing to assume. I forgot that this was a busy season. I forgot that this was the season to adhere to the well-known urge to spend cash to satisfy the material need. No more shit about kids’ shows justifying that this was a season for hope, love, peace and family. Those notions should’ve been wiped out after watching ‘Grinch’ eight times over.

And now, a song from Queen keeps bouncing through my solitude. And all I hear is “too much love will kill you” and nothing of the remaining words mattered anymore. Yes, I’m a sucker for the feeling. I’ve never had that much to give but when I do give it, it’s always so much more than anyone is willing to accept. Which is scary, in a way. This is a strike down another chord on my pavement.

I’m just making myself feel a bit better. I’ve been shedding tears I haven’t shed in a year and it always came around this time. Literally.

To sum up all of my scatterbrained statements, all I wanted to say is this: I’m too depressed to keep up with the world’s upcoming cheer. If I could, I’d drown it down with a few glasses but I’m not one for that stuff. And right now, I’m more depressed than ever since things came up at a really bad time. The one person I allow myself to indulge in is a world and a lifetime away and probably couldn’t care less about anything else. Not that he should, actually. It has always been unclear. The other parts of my brain responsible for amusement have taken a vacation leave. Right now, I just don’t care anymore. As far as I’m concerned, everything outside these proverbial four walls is dead to me.

Enjoy my apathy for the season. Season’s greetings everyone.



About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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