Physical Therapy: Respect The Pain

There’s been only one person for the last two years.

Who that person is remains to be vague.  Not that tangibility is an issue; it never was to begin with.  But from here, let me paint you a picture.

Kismet. It’s the hackneyed event that keeps on happening in our heads. We rehearse it – that special moment when everything falls into place and everything just makes sense. But it never does. Consequently, that moment of cosmic harmony never happens. We just make do with what happens around us and call it the workings of fate.

Now let’s say, by pure circumstance, the cosmic energies aligned and produced a near-perfect machination of fate that allowed you to find something valuable. This thing, a concentration of abstract concepts, just happened to be someone else. Suddenly, everything made sense; the oily pork dish, the pre-teen acne, physical chemistry. All of these things caught meaning in that one moment, when your attention only centered on that one person.

The moment of meaning condenses into understanding – something close to love but not yet, not quite. Then it stops.  That person passes and you are left to wonder what happened. And everything makes no sense, just like before.

Bluntly put, a moment of kismet just happened to pass by. May be you’ll do something about it, maybe not. But for sure, whether you did something or not, you’d be walking in the lines fate weaved for you. Of course, you’ll never know. Just like I’ll never really know how and why I got here.

From this clichéd fan of your life, you have to understand this: what I can only give you is abstraction. I’m no longer tangible just as I am to you. I’m the presence that lingers only from dusk to dawn (much like Benjamin Button). From where I am, you are there from dusk ‘til dawn. We are essences conversing, sharing something that I’m not really quite sure what. But for sure, it exists. Like that one moment when all understanding came and somehow, I knew how and why.

It was you.

It had always been you – the goal I’ve been trying so hard to reach. That one thing I keep rehearsing in my head even though I know it would never happen; it had always always been you.

Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows. I don’t care at all. When I look back to this post, maybe I’ll find out if I was wrong. But for now, let me live in my lies. This deception helps, even if it’s only for a few hours. Let me believe that I’m holding on to something that’s happening. This machination of cosmic forces, this pain of understanding how it could go so wrong, let me live in this.

Because at the end of the day, there’s always you who I can come home to.



About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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