Let’s Pretend, Baby, That You Just Met Me

How should I put this…

I’m pressured by this month’s (February) expectations. Not that it asks much. Not in the least anyway (it can’t even talk). But you know what I mean. It’s that time of the year when angst-y people angst more than ever. It’s that time of year when motels get paid better.

You know what I mean.

But anyway, all angst issues aside…well…I can’t actually put that aside. It’s a central part of the whole that I can’t manage living without. So, with a little angst, I’m just trying to reach out to people before I lose my head.

I can’t write when I’m not depressed. Lately, I don’t feel anything at all. Not since December rolled out. I guess I was particularly depressed in that month that all other depressions seem so irrelevant. I expected something but it never came. I tried to reach out but the hand I’m trying to reach became a fat wad of air. So yeah, I got so pissed with that. But now I’m okay again…I think.

Not that I’m actually thinking…

Anyway, this is what I want to happen from now on: I want some people to understand. I’m not going to say who they are and what roles they play in my orchestrated tragedy. I just want them to know, if they happen to pass by through this post someday, that all I wanted was to get a reaction out of them.

All the things I’ve done, whether it was to hurt or entertain them, it was all because I wanted to get a smile or a profanity out of them. And it just ticks me off when they don’t respond to stimuli. All the wasted effort of trying seems so…wasted. It’s like the confirmation of how much of a failure I am as a person.

But I’ll try again. Then if I fail, I’ll try again. Even if I fail again…it’s endless but when I walk away from something, it’s because I know I’ve tried and done something to the best of my abilities. So don’t blame me for losing interest. I tried, but some things/people/places/events pale in comparison to the responsiveness of a dead frog.

Yeah, I’m trying to create a blog post. This is it, right? This is what blog posts should look like, right? After two years of doing this, I still can’t figure out if this is what blogging really is.

Here’s something I found while being on my narcissistic binge:

He doesn’t question me. By that statement alone, should my fears matter?

Should anyone answer that, I’d be glad. It’s open to interpretation. I don’t care what. I’m still thinking about it too.

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About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

2 Responses to Let’s Pretend, Baby, That You Just Met Me

  1. kolembo says:

    Something happened this christmas with my sister that is going to take a long time to heal. she said it was just to get a reaction.

    i feel messed around with and disrespected. locked my door now.

    I think, be careful when casting for reaction because it does not consider the other persons feeling.

    Now she wants to know how I can just shut her out. Well. It won’t heal.

    • kyogakura says:

      yeah. some things won’t really go back when you’ve crossed a certain threshold. i’ve seen it happen…personally. and yes, i regret it sometimes.

      thanks for the heads up here. and…well..thank you for reading through.

      hope it heals to a degree that you can at least open a window, if not a door.

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