Raten

I’m that kind of person. I’m that kid who gets left out when everyone else is playing with dolls ‘cause I don’t have enough cute in me. I’m the kid that gets left out ‘cause I’m a girl and girls don’t run as fast as guys can. In life’s twists, I get left out a lot.

Usually, it doesn’t matter.

But sometimes, I get to a state of mind where I have to be the first in something. As I’m not the epitome of self-control and self-esteem, I don’t really talk much about it. I don’t really share this to anyone. But I’m relating it here, under public scrutiny, which is very counterproductive. But let me just say that I’m just confident that as someone hiding behind a username, I’m relating a general experience free of any social expectations from my real self. Anyway, getting back, I have that need to be reassured that I’m not the one who gets left out all the time.

Sometimes, I just need someone to tell me that I’m not another afterthought.

But even with that, I’m very picky. No wonder I get like this. I tend to make someone contain me completely. Like Jane, an AI who has the command over the internet in Ender’s universe, I have only one person to focus on: my own Ender. And as the story goes, Ender cuts Jane off for an hour. In AI universe (as the book says), a full hour is like an eternity and Jane felt like she had died. Her only outlet to the world, the only one who knows of her, cut her off, ultimately killing her. Anyway, it sounds better the way Orson Scott Card wrote it. What I’m trying to say is that Jane and I are kind of the same in this aspect. I tend to make one person into a central piece in my life, neglecting everything else. So guess what happens when I get cut off without any notice.

It’s a miserable sight to see.

What am I getting at anyway? I guess I just have to tell somebody about this. I’m not expecting much. I just want somebody to know, if not for that somebody, that I have times like this. We all do. We can’t be happy all the time. Well, we can pretend…but for how long?

So anyway, this ends here. I’m gonna sleep through this thing.

With much love,

Your afterthought.

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About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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