Stands

No matter how many times I try to look forward to things getting a little bit better, there always seem to be two double-takes I need to do. It’s pretty much a “one step forward, two steps backward” kind of thing and it’s a situation I never intended to be in.

It has been more than a year. Consequently, it’s almost three years since this blog was born and almost four since I graduated from high school. Furthermore, it’s a few months away from that distant trophy I’ve been chasing after for more than 15 years. That goal had always been so distant that I never thought I’d come so near it. But now that I finally see it looming, I look back at the trail I’ve been making and think, where am I?

I don’t always know where I stand. There’s always that line dividing two things and I’m always found in the middle of it, observing both sides, never committing to either. Dabbling is the best that I can do while comforting myself by saying I have other things to do. Although I say this, I know that it’s far from what I intended it to be.

Things could always be better. It’s the one thought that reminds me to keep faith in everything else that should not even matter. But when everything is in this state – bad and good in reflux – where and when is better?

As I’ve said, I don’t always know where I stand. I admit that I’m dense most of the time, not for lack of understanding but of attention. I don’t pay attention to things that already have someone else paying attention to them. It’s always a one-on-one world with me – it’s you and me or you and them. So if the person or thing I’m focusing on isn’t focusing on me anymore, that’s already a go signal for me to leave.

You must think that it’s selfish to be like this upon reading that but understand, for that one moment when I pay attention to you, you are the only one who matters. No one and nothing can exist except you and me and I am willingly giving you everything of what and who I am. This is why I can’t focus on more than one person at once, I’d go crazy. But it only lasts for that moment and when it’s past, that’s another person you’ll never get to see again.

This is why I try to surround myself with as little number of people as possible, most of whom do not interact with each other. I try to stay in the middle, dabbling here and there, giving them everything that I am for a limited time only. But there is one exception to the rule.

I could be everything that I’m not and I would bend everything that I am for one person. Because I know, with that person will be the proof of my existence.

And now I’m sleepy.

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About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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