Even Just for a Day

I saw an article before on Thought Catalogue about a person who, at some point in her life, dreamt of being a boy. Its title was something like, I Wanted to be a Boy. It’s like a Pinocchio story with a strange little twist; one of Pinocchio not being a puppet but an aloof little girl. I guess it’s still not the right time to be so free about these things. Try as we might, some people just won’t understand the sentiments underneath these things. At the very least, it would be awkwardness and misery. At most, it’s a tragedy.

For whatever it stands for, I still want to be a boy.

I’ve always liked the story of Peter Pan. I liked the idea of never growing old; to be free of maturity and all its worries. But as it stood, I never got enough fairy dust to go to Neverland. In short, I grew up. I outgrew clothes and hobbies. I even outgrew people. As the years progressed I forgot about a little girl’s dream – to be little boy.

I guess this is where it gets complicated. I have always been seen as a lesbian. I don’t have any problems with this because I really don’t care about these things anymore. What I don’t like, however, is when I get mistaken to be this or that girl’s girlfriend. The thing is, I don’t like girls.

I don’t like how they get complicated and bitchy every now and then. I don’t like how every month, there has to be a bloodbath in my bed. Ultimately, I don’t like how small things would start to hurt in a vomit-inducing way. Simply put, I don’t like how these things should always follow being a girl so I always surround myself with guy friends. I thought that compared to monthly bloodbaths, being an emotional butt plug would be a bit better.

As I was then, I would have tried everything to just stop being a girl.

Soon everything boiled down to emulation. I started to walk and talk like a boy. I tried to ride every inside joke and play just about every game they played. I tried to best them at just about everything but when puberty hit, it just kept on hitting.

I can no longer pretend, blend or hide. It was such a sad state of affairs that I always thought that getting through high school was something short of a miracle. My hair grew out and my old flat body started to form bumps and lumps in places I didn’t want them to be. I hated every inch of it. I felt uncomfortable in my body but I can’t just take another one like I was buying bread.

After a while, I grew tired of it all.

I wanted to be a boy but the blue fairy won’t come by.

If you ever see me lurking and skulking along, you’ll probably think of me as something awkward. I’m taller than girls but I’m shorter than boys. I’m little bit of both on the outside but I’m trying to put a little more girl in it.

I swear I’m trying.

I’ll see you when I get there.


About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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