Of Sleepiness and Musings

Who you are, who you should be, and who you ought to be are very different individuals occupying a common physical existence.

Who you are is mostly what you perceive yourself to be. That person exists within a room free of all moral or social obligations that exists outside his prescribed confinement. That person survives on thoughts and persists in the meanderings of emotions. However, who you perceive yourself to be usually occupies a very small percentage of the roles that you play within a given day. Give or take, this side of you would only surface an hour before and an hour after you go to bed. In that sweet expanse of truly living as you intend to be, I find that for me, I am all but productive.

Who you should be is another difficult persona to unravel. In the quarter of a century that I have been alive, I found that the person who you should be changes at any given moment. Sometimes, it’s a requirement of the people around you. They tell you to be someone they think they need or someone who can be a little bit more tolerant of their beliefs. This is never going to be about you. This is always going to be a product of the demand of others. As denigrating as it seems, who you should be is a slave of another person’s whims. Or so it seems.

Finally, the person who you ought to be is the goal you need to achieve. It is a different person than the person you should be because this is the only other positive thing you have control over. This person is your ideal self. It’s all your aspirations and dreams condensed into a shining goal that you work so hard to protect and reach. The problem is that probably, you’ll become this person someday and then you’ll end up lost and empty being bereft of your goal. Either way, it’s a sad goal to achieve. As I see it, if you become this person, you lose your goal. If you don’t achieve it, you failed to realize your life’s work. Whichever is the scarier event, I leave the decision to you.

Why did I talk about this after more than two years of silence?

I’m afraid that I’m in a place where all these three people are trying to surface in breakneck speeds. Each facet coexist and are demanded to come forth so vehemently that sometimes, I feel like I’m losing sight of who I should be at any given time.

Little by little, I’m shoving pieces of myself into cardboard boxes; locking them in well-sorted containers until such time that I can call upon them again.

Bit by bit, I’m learning who I should be and who I ought to be while saying goodbye to the person who I really am. After playing so many roles to a point of exhaustion, I find that the hardest person to actually convince is me.

But hey, it’s been a while. Let me pour my heart out to you again. Join me in my current journey into the unknown world of a young professional just as you had joined me when I was a young adult.

Take my hand.

Let me take you to my wonderland.


About kyogakura
Bored 95% of the time.

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