Dead Beats and Winter Things

She was fourteen when she fell for a boy who drew wolves. At that time, the love she offered had been an innocent one – probing but gentle. He took what she offered without understanding what it was and in her elation, she did not bother explaining. All that mattered was that he took it and it made her happy to be accepted.

She was fifteen when the boy who drew wolves broke her heart. She swore on that day that her heart broke a million times over leaving only a gaping cavity in her chest. It was then that she knew that the boy who drew wolves was the love that she wanted but not the one that she needed.

She was sixteen when she came to love a boy who drew castles. He asked her to help him court another girl and every day she found reasons to love him more. By and by, he fell for her as well and she thought she could come to love him as he needed to be loved.

She was sixteen when the boy who drew castles broke her heart. On that day, she thought she would be as devastated as before – that she would feel her heart shatter a thousand times over. It did not happen. Her heart only broke in half. It was then that she knew that the boy who drew castles was neither the love that she wanted or needed. His was the love that made her feel wanted and she mistook it as something more.

She was seventeen when she met the man who drew faces. This man had a habit of coming late so she took the role of the one who waited. At that time, she had nothing to offer him except for her youth and he took it willingly to his heart. As it went, he took her hand into his as well. Towards the end, she never did understand why he never asked for her heart but now she thankful that he didn’t.

She was nineteen when she broke the heart of the man who drew faces. She told him that there was no one waiting for him any longer. It was at this particular end that he finally asked for her heart. It was too late, to say the least. She realized that the love she had for him was not innocent, or wanted, or needed. The love she had for him had been a selfish one and it would have destroyed them in the end.

She was twelve when she met a boy who drew diagrams but she was twenty when she came to love him. It started when he asked her for a kiss and she had said yes. The kiss became more as time went by and she thought she loved him. Apparently, she was mistaken.

She was twenty-one when the boy who drew diagrams set her free. On that day, she watched her mother as she saw how broken her daughter was over a boy. She watched her father as he saw his little girl grow into a woman for the first time. In the end, she couldn’t make him stay but she was thankful that he didn’t. She could not love him the way he needed to be loved and similarly, he could not do the same for her.

She was twenty-one when she pursued a boy who could not draw. He was everything she never wanted. He was everything that she needed. He was, and still is, the boy who now holds a bag containing half of her heart. Piece by piece, he tries to put it back together by using parts of his own. Little by little, his heart and her heart have merged so that that no one could see where her heart begins and where his ends.

We don’t know where it ends. However, she was twenty-five when she kissed a man who drew plans. Ergo, the story continues.

Of Sleepiness and Musings

Who you are, who you should be, and who you ought to be are very different individuals occupying a common physical existence.

Who you are is mostly what you perceive yourself to be. That person exists within a room free of all moral or social obligations that exists outside his prescribed confinement. That person survives on thoughts and persists in the meanderings of emotions. However, who you perceive yourself to be usually occupies a very small percentage of the roles that you play within a given day. Give or take, this side of you would only surface an hour before and an hour after you go to bed. In that sweet expanse of truly living as you intend to be, I find that for me, I am all but productive.

Who you should be is another difficult persona to unravel. In the quarter of a century that I have been alive, I found that the person who you should be changes at any given moment. Sometimes, it’s a requirement of the people around you. They tell you to be someone they think they need or someone who can be a little bit more tolerant of their beliefs. This is never going to be about you. This is always going to be a product of the demand of others. As denigrating as it seems, who you should be is a slave of another person’s whims. Or so it seems.

Finally, the person who you ought to be is the goal you need to achieve. It is a different person than the person you should be because this is the only other positive thing you have control over. This person is your ideal self. It’s all your aspirations and dreams condensed into a shining goal that you work so hard to protect and reach. The problem is that probably, you’ll become this person someday and then you’ll end up lost and empty being bereft of your goal. Either way, it’s a sad goal to achieve. As I see it, if you become this person, you lose your goal. If you don’t achieve it, you failed to realize your life’s work. Whichever is the scarier event, I leave the decision to you.

Why did I talk about this after more than two years of silence?

I’m afraid that I’m in a place where all these three people are trying to surface in breakneck speeds. Each facet coexist and are demanded to come forth so vehemently that sometimes, I feel like I’m losing sight of who I should be at any given time.

Little by little, I’m shoving pieces of myself into cardboard boxes; locking them in well-sorted containers until such time that I can call upon them again.

Bit by bit, I’m learning who I should be and who I ought to be while saying goodbye to the person who I really am. After playing so many roles to a point of exhaustion, I find that the hardest person to actually convince is me.

But hey, it’s been a while. Let me pour my heart out to you again. Join me in my current journey into the unknown world of a young professional just as you had joined me when I was a young adult.

Take my hand.

Let me take you to my wonderland.

The Random Fcuks We Give

 So here are 20 random facts about me that I will randomly share to you. This may be done out of spite or boredom but for sure, this is done without regard for the audience’ best interest.

  1. High temperatures are the constant bane of my existence. If you want to send me away, just put me in a hot room and I’ll high tail it to the nearest exit in less than five minutes.
  2. I fall asleep faster when I lie on my left side than when I do on my right or back.
  3. I don’t play DotA. I just wanted to put it in light. I know how to play but I don’t.
  4. I usually get called I sir/mister when I’m out shopping for clothes. It doesn’t bother me that much but the look on the attendant’s face when I start to speak is just priceless.
  5. Anything’s fine with me as long as it doesn’t cause bodily harm.
  6. I don’t like wine of any color and any brand.
  7. I used to want to replace the Pope. That was until I found out that I had a snowflake’s chance in hell to become one.
  8. I can’t sit still for more than five minutes and I have the attention span of an empty cardboard box.
  9. I get jittery when I’m not early for a meeting or whatever. It doesn’t matter what the affair is. I just have this constant need to be early.
  10. I feel uncomfortable whenever I see the number 10.
  11. I have a love-hate relationship with mayonnaise. I love it when I can’t taste it; I hate it when I do.
  12. I hate getting wet with clothes on. It feels all sticky and clingy.
  13. I can’t believe how far away fact number 20 is from number 13. I’m actually running out of randomness.
  14. I will most likely be running a fever if I get less than five hours of sleep for three consecutive days.
  15. I find watching old Pinoy flicks to be a fun hobby. I don’t mean 90’s flicks but more of 70’s to 80’s. The harder they pronounce English lines, the better.
  16. I don’t like drizzles. It’s like a half-assed attempt at getting people wet. If it’s going to rain, then let it rain hard. If it’s not gonna rain, then let the sun shine through.
  17. I think human feet slightly resemble ginger root.
  18. A small gathering of small holes scare the living shiz out of me. The image looks so disturbing that I can’t even shake it out after imagining it.
  19. Sometimes, I count the number of times a person mentions their favourite statement-filler (like when a talking person stops and thinks of something to say and utters things like hmmm, ok, uhhh, etc). I usually tally it and do triplicates of the raw data.
  20. I think the world would be a better place to live in if I stopped doing this and focused on more important things…like sleeping.

The Weirdness of it All

There’s something about a damp and stormy night that manages to get me writing. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have pictured myself hammering away on these unfamiliar keys in an unfamiliar place a hundred miles away from home. I’ve been uprooted from my comfort zone; away from the comforting Metro flood and the sub-urban traffic on a smoldering stormy night. Here I am trying to be all profound about it all but I’m stuck at a paragraph without a cause.

What am I getting at, exactly?

I’m not exactly sure right now. I’m just laying down my feelings since I haven’t anyone to talk to about these things anymore. Not that I’m wanting, I just find this small corner a little too silent for my taste. Not to mention that although a lot of people are in this house, it doesn’t mean that I can get into my drama mood right off the bat. I may not be picky around people but I do want someone to understand.

But everything’s beside the point right now. What am I getting at, really?

I feel happy. It’s so easy to say but I’m finding it hard to understand. I’m in this foggy state of mind where nothing makes sense and all that I’m feeling is a hollowness that cannot be satisfied. Beyond these things, I find that I’m lighthearted enough to feel happy.

It may be because of you.

I arrived here knowing full well that I have to do things on my own. I’ve never done this kind of thing before because although it doesn’t look like it, I have lived a very sheltered life. I didn’t expect anything to happen to me except a dull routine of work and sleep. Amidst all these great expectations of mine, you happened. In a humid summer night, I have found you and you have found me.

I don’t know how it began. What started out as a sordid little affair turned into a whirlwind of uncertainty for my part. It wasn’t meant to be more than a little brush with a new set of people in a far away land. However, that small talk that turned into a three hour talk-athon while listening to a one-man karaoke party turned out to be one of the more pleasant things that my randomness produced. I wonder, if I hadn’t sat on that table outside and you decided to go away for the weekend, would we have come as far as we have? Would we have met under a different circumstance it I had come earlier than was intended?

In the end, the course of things just seemed to flow in a comfortably convenient way. By the time the flow subsided, I decided that I wanted to be happy. By some odd circumstance, that happiness was with you.

It was the most welcome oddity I ever had the chance of knowing.

I Don’t Know About You

…But I’m not feeling 22. Not that I’m 22 yet. I’m about two months away from feeling anything remotely 22. I’m feeling just about 14 right now. You’re rubbing off on me and I think I’m liking it.

I’m getting better and I’m feeling good about a lot of things. Everything’s looking brighter these days and I’m forgetting about the rain in all its constant glory. I’m just about ready to burst out in a song and do a dance number every time I walk out of the house. There’s a certain spring in my step again and all sorts of non-poetry are spouting off from me. It can only mean that I’m happy.

I’m happy but I’m terrified.

I’d hate to lose these small things that lie in between. I’ve decided that you would be the last one I’m playing against. In this whirlwind I’ve brought in, I’ll take a stand while holding you in my thoughts. You’re probably all the determination I need right now. With you, I can dream again.

With you, I know I can be better.

Happy Kids

I don’t know what we’re getting at and I don’t know where we’re going to take this. In a proverbial point of no return, perhaps we’ll make it and I’m hopeful that we’re going to. However, the choice isn’t with me. I gave it to you a few miles back in this surreal carnival we’ve been exploring. It’s all on you now – to take or leave everything. Here’s a caution: there are no gray spaces with me.

I’m your stranger. Jump.

Kwentong Weirdo

Ang mga saktong tagpo ng buhay na matagal nang naka-stuck sa aking folders at ngayon lang na-post.

AKA the typical pang-asar moments na akala mo ikaw

AKA mga nakakabadtrip na scenario ngayong panahong ito


Dyan ka at dito ako. Ganun naman palagi ang tagpo. Malapit tayo kung sa malapit at pareho nga siguro ang pagkakatupi ng mga sikmura natin. Hindi naman ito isang tagpong tinadhanang mangyari. Nangyari lang talagang nandyan ka at nandito ako nung panahong dapat siguro’y ibang tao dapat ang nakatayo riyan at ibang tao ang naka-upo rito.

Magte-text ka mamaya. Inaabangan ko ang paghihinalo ng celphone ko sa magdamagan nating session. Lagi naman tayong ganito dahil kahit di ko alam na alam mong nandito ako, may mangyayaring kakaiba na magaganap sa ating pagsasama. Ngayon mas sigurado akong makakatikim ako ng mensahe mo lalo na’t nararamdaman kong dumating na ang araw na hinihintay mo. Dumating na rin ata ang araw na sanhi ng ilang paglalasing na naganap sa buhay ko.

Lumalalim na ang gabi. Ang hamog ay unti-unting gumagapang sa aking mga buto. Sa mga pagkakataong gaya nito, niloloko ko ang aking sarili na nandyan ka. Nandyan ka’t ikaw ang sanhi ng maligayang init sa mga gabing kagaya nito. Pero hindi. Kung nasaang ‘dyan’ ka man ngayon, malayung-malayo yan mula rito.

Hindi mo rin naman maiintindihan kung sakali mang ipaliwanag ko sa ‘yo ang mga bagay na hindi ko masabi. Hindi ko rin maiintindihan kung bakit hindi mo maintindihan. Ganun tayo kagulo pero sa kabila nito, alam kong nagkakaintindihan tayo na hindi na dapat tayo humantong sa kung ano man ang gusto kong patunguhan natin. Alam nating pareho na nandyan ka lang at nandito ako kaya wala tayong problema.

Teka, nag-text ka na pala.

“Best, kami na! J”

Tangina. May happy face pa.


Ilang habambuhay na ba ang dumaan? Akala ko kasi nung unang panahon, nung bata pa tayo, habambuhay tayong maglalayag sa himpapawid ng ating mga pangarap. Peksman diba? Hope to die at cross my heart ang pangakong binitawan. Lumipas na ba ang habambuhay?

Nag-eskandalo ang celphone ko. Nag-text ka.

Pinilit kong intinidihin ang nakasulat pero ang lumabas ay parang usapan sa pagitan ng German at Ilokano. Kahit anong pilit, ayaw salain ng utak ko ang simpleng ingles at tagalog mong mensahe ng walang humpay na pagpapaliwanag. Kalkuladong sulat sa denumerong celphone. Parang nung mga panahong sumasali ka sa patimpalak ng oratoryo, praktisado at pulido ang bawat bitiw mo ng salita. Di ko akalaing darating ang araw na sa akin mo gagamitin ang talent mong iyon.

Sinubukan mo. Hindi ko maisumbat sa ‘yo na pareho lang tayong sumubok. Sa ating dalawa kasi ako lang naman ang tumigil na sa pagsubok ng kung anu-ano. Ang nagging mali ko lang, hindi kita inimbitahang sabayan ako at lisanin na nang tuluyan yang pagsubok na ‘yan.

Sinubukan ko pero…

Pero kasi hindi rin sakto. Hindi kasi pasok sa gusto mong mangyari kaya ganito nalang. Walang hanggang dedmahan – dedmahang alam naman nating hindi talaga dedma pero pwede na. Saktong dyahe lang pag nagkikita tayong dalawa. Tangina, tinalo pa natin ang coke sa sobrang kasaktohan ng pinag-gagagawa natin.

…hindi ko kayang kalimutan siya.

Simple lang. Ilang habambuhay na ba naipangako mo sa kung sinu-sino? Hindi kita masisi pero sana hindi ka nalang rin nagdahilan. Alam ko hindi mo kayang magka-amnesia para sa akin pero sana kahit isang habambuhay lang pinatikim mo sa akin. Hindi naman ako mareklamo pero ano pa bang masasabi ko sa ‘yo? Said na said na ako. Nakakapagod kang seryosohin.

Sana sa akin ka nalang nagpakatanga.

Kwento ni Leslie:

Simpleng buhay lang naman ang gusto pero parang kahit ata iyon hindi kayang ibigay sa akin ng tadhana. Hindi ako mahilig sa mga komplikadong bagay. Ayaw na ayaw kong gawing komplikado ang mga bagay na pwede naming simple nalang o kaya madali. Pwede naman nating makuha ang gusto natin with minimal effort kung gugustuhin.

Naging mabait naman akong tao. Hindi naman ako pala-away o kaya ay nakapatay. Kung tutuusin, isa ako sa mga boring na tao na may boring na buhay.

Pero sinira mo lahat iyon noong nakilala kita.

Ang gwapo mo, ‘tol. Hindi ko ‘yan ikakaila. Ialang beses akong napatigagal tuwing dadaan ka sa harapan ko. Nalalaglag panga ko tuwing dadaan ka. Hindi ko alam saan ako magtatago dahil natutunaw ako tuwing nakikita ka. Hindi ko na magawang simple ang buhay ko mula noong dumating ka.

Sabagay, paano nga ba magiging simple ang lahat kung ang gusto mo at ang gusto ko ay taliwas ngunit iisa. Nagkataon nga lang siguro at  ngayon na ang time ko para pagtripan ng tadhana. Hindi ko akalaing tataamaan pa ako sa kagaya mo. Sa  mga talinghagang ito, ilang ulit ka na ring lumitaw at lumayo. Ilang beses ko na ring inisip kung bakit ba parang napagti-tripan lang lahat tayo. Sa dinami-dami ng pwede, ikaw pa na ang trip ay kapareho ko.

Sana, sa susunod lalake naman ang maging trip mo.

Sino Ang Tunay na Baliw?

Anong nadarama kapag nakikita kang dumarating. Natutuliro, hindi malaman ang gagawin.

Weirdo lang ako. Hindi naman ako malalim kausap. Usually, mukha lang akong maraming iniisip at marami akong nalilinlang dahil dito. Ang totoo, iniisip ko lang kung anong kakainin ko mamaya. I usually think with my stomach. Madaming panahon na akong muntik mapahamak dahil sa libreng pagkain. Hindi pa naman ako nagkakasakit nang malupit pero kung naiintindihan mo kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin, baka sabihan mo lang ako ng tanga. Ganoon talaga siguro, may mga bagay talagang din na pinag-iisipan nang wagas. Parang ako. Kung pag-iisipan mo pa kung pano, bakit at para saan ang ginagawa ko ay mapapagod ka lang at mapupuyat sa kaiisip. Kadalasan wala naman talaga. Trip ko lang ‘yon kaya wag nang masyado pang pang pag-isipan.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko sa buhay. Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya. Sa ngayon kasi, dalawang bagay lang nagpapasaya sa akin (dahil din siguro madali akong maburyo sa mga bagay-bagay). Kung gusto mong malaman sasabihin ko na rin: pagkain at tao. Kung baga, the best things in life are free so if you’re free tonight, just call me. Pwede rin palang libreng pagkain, kakasa ako dyan nang walang kaabog-abog. I’ll take everything as long as it’s free, pare. Even you.

Tunog malandi lang pero sa totoo lang, ganyan lang talaga ako. It’s mostly empty to me but sometimes I tell the truth. Pero pag nagsabi na ako ng totoo wala namang naniniwala. Sanay na silang nanggagago lang ako kaya ayon, wala nang nagseseryoso.

Pwede namang hindi tayo complicated. Pwede naman tayong maging masaya. Hindi naman dapat tayo nabubuhay para mainis. Para saan pa’t nagkaroon ng comfort drive. Kaso iba-iba rin kasi ang trip ng bawat isa. Maaring ikaw o kaya siya ay may trip tulad ng ballet at zumba. Hindi ko trip ‘yon pero sige lang sasakyan kita kahit pareho na tayong mukhang tanga. Walang basagan ng trip para lahat tayo happy.

Weirdo lang ako. Natatame at natutuliro on a case to case basis. Kung ano man ibig sabihin noon, wag mo nang isipin. Mapapagod ka lang.

Nagpapa-deep lang ako.

Even Just for a Day

I saw an article before on Thought Catalogue about a person who, at some point in her life, dreamt of being a boy. Its title was something like, I Wanted to be a Boy. It’s like a Pinocchio story with a strange little twist; one of Pinocchio not being a puppet but an aloof little girl. I guess it’s still not the right time to be so free about these things. Try as we might, some people just won’t understand the sentiments underneath these things. At the very least, it would be awkwardness and misery. At most, it’s a tragedy.

For whatever it stands for, I still want to be a boy.

I’ve always liked the story of Peter Pan. I liked the idea of never growing old; to be free of maturity and all its worries. But as it stood, I never got enough fairy dust to go to Neverland. In short, I grew up. I outgrew clothes and hobbies. I even outgrew people. As the years progressed I forgot about a little girl’s dream – to be little boy.

I guess this is where it gets complicated. I have always been seen as a lesbian. I don’t have any problems with this because I really don’t care about these things anymore. What I don’t like, however, is when I get mistaken to be this or that girl’s girlfriend. The thing is, I don’t like girls.

I don’t like how they get complicated and bitchy every now and then. I don’t like how every month, there has to be a bloodbath in my bed. Ultimately, I don’t like how small things would start to hurt in a vomit-inducing way. Simply put, I don’t like how these things should always follow being a girl so I always surround myself with guy friends. I thought that compared to monthly bloodbaths, being an emotional butt plug would be a bit better.

As I was then, I would have tried everything to just stop being a girl.

Soon everything boiled down to emulation. I started to walk and talk like a boy. I tried to ride every inside joke and play just about every game they played. I tried to best them at just about everything but when puberty hit, it just kept on hitting.

I can no longer pretend, blend or hide. It was such a sad state of affairs that I always thought that getting through high school was something short of a miracle. My hair grew out and my old flat body started to form bumps and lumps in places I didn’t want them to be. I hated every inch of it. I felt uncomfortable in my body but I can’t just take another one like I was buying bread.

After a while, I grew tired of it all.

I wanted to be a boy but the blue fairy won’t come by.

If you ever see me lurking and skulking along, you’ll probably think of me as something awkward. I’m taller than girls but I’m shorter than boys. I’m little bit of both on the outside but I’m trying to put a little more girl in it.

I swear I’m trying.

I’ll see you when I get there.