A Year Hence

It’s been over a year since I had anything to say. Let me just point out that life’s being good right now. The drama of 2013 went away with nothing more than a night of tears and a week of realization. The melodrama just gave way to someone who’s taking everything on a brighter track.

People from where I’m posting this are great. Some might be a little bit odd and others downright awful but overall, the year’s experience has been great. The only downside is that everything is always 30km away.

I’m feeling relaxed. It’s been 12 years since I felt like this. I’m seeing the direction I’ve been meaning to take without the excess baggage of bullshit I was almost pushed to take. There’s no more of the pressure I was used to getting from where I was previously predisposed.

But I won’t be settling here. I’m going to get moving as far away as possible from the things that previously made me feel like crawling out of my skin. I’m going to do it all in style.

I’m going to do it and make it all happen with you.

Advertisements

Bits and Pieces

We’ll be sitting under a strange canopy of the universe in a distant peninsula. Underneath all the absent stars, I’ll be looking at you but I won’t be seeing you. I won’t be seeing you in all the ways that count but I will know you – part by enticing part. A soft breeze would blow and we’ll shudder under its welcome weight and by some odd chance we’ll be moving closer – inch by enticing inch. It would take every ounce of me to not fall through that proverbial edge but when I do give in, it will be the sweetest fall I’ll be taking.

I’ll be over the edge and back again, exploring you piece by enticing piece.

The Random Fcuks We Give

 So here are 20 random facts about me that I will randomly share to you. This may be done out of spite or boredom but for sure, this is done without regard for the audience’ best interest.

  1. High temperatures are the constant bane of my existence. If you want to send me away, just put me in a hot room and I’ll high tail it to the nearest exit in less than five minutes.
  2. I fall asleep faster when I lie on my left side than when I do on my right or back.
  3. I don’t play DotA. I just wanted to put it in light. I know how to play but I don’t.
  4. I usually get called I sir/mister when I’m out shopping for clothes. It doesn’t bother me that much but the look on the attendant’s face when I start to speak is just priceless.
  5. Anything’s fine with me as long as it doesn’t cause bodily harm.
  6. I don’t like wine of any color and any brand.
  7. I used to want to replace the Pope. That was until I found out that I had a snowflake’s chance in hell to become one.
  8. I can’t sit still for more than five minutes and I have the attention span of an empty cardboard box.
  9. I get jittery when I’m not early for a meeting or whatever. It doesn’t matter what the affair is. I just have this constant need to be early.
  10. I feel uncomfortable whenever I see the number 10.
  11. I have a love-hate relationship with mayonnaise. I love it when I can’t taste it; I hate it when I do.
  12. I hate getting wet with clothes on. It feels all sticky and clingy.
  13. I can’t believe how far away fact number 20 is from number 13. I’m actually running out of randomness.
  14. I will most likely be running a fever if I get less than five hours of sleep for three consecutive days.
  15. I find watching old Pinoy flicks to be a fun hobby. I don’t mean 90’s flicks but more of 70’s to 80’s. The harder they pronounce English lines, the better.
  16. I don’t like drizzles. It’s like a half-assed attempt at getting people wet. If it’s going to rain, then let it rain hard. If it’s not gonna rain, then let the sun shine through.
  17. I think human feet slightly resemble ginger root.
  18. A small gathering of small holes scare the living shiz out of me. The image looks so disturbing that I can’t even shake it out after imagining it.
  19. Sometimes, I count the number of times a person mentions their favourite statement-filler (like when a talking person stops and thinks of something to say and utters things like hmmm, ok, uhhh, etc). I usually tally it and do triplicates of the raw data.
  20. I think the world would be a better place to live in if I stopped doing this and focused on more important things…like sleeping.

The Weirdness of it All

There’s something about a damp and stormy night that manages to get me writing. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have pictured myself hammering away on these unfamiliar keys in an unfamiliar place a hundred miles away from home. I’ve been uprooted from my comfort zone; away from the comforting Metro flood and the sub-urban traffic on a smoldering stormy night. Here I am trying to be all profound about it all but I’m stuck at a paragraph without a cause.

What am I getting at, exactly?

I’m not exactly sure right now. I’m just laying down my feelings since I haven’t anyone to talk to about these things anymore. Not that I’m wanting, I just find this small corner a little too silent for my taste. Not to mention that although a lot of people are in this house, it doesn’t mean that I can get into my drama mood right off the bat. I may not be picky around people but I do want someone to understand.

But everything’s beside the point right now. What am I getting at, really?

I feel happy. It’s so easy to say but I’m finding it hard to understand. I’m in this foggy state of mind where nothing makes sense and all that I’m feeling is a hollowness that cannot be satisfied. Beyond these things, I find that I’m lighthearted enough to feel happy.

It may be because of you.

I arrived here knowing full well that I have to do things on my own. I’ve never done this kind of thing before because although it doesn’t look like it, I have lived a very sheltered life. I didn’t expect anything to happen to me except a dull routine of work and sleep. Amidst all these great expectations of mine, you happened. In a humid summer night, I have found you and you have found me.

I don’t know how it began. What started out as a sordid little affair turned into a whirlwind of uncertainty for my part. It wasn’t meant to be more than a little brush with a new set of people in a far away land. However, that small talk that turned into a three hour talk-athon while listening to a one-man karaoke party turned out to be one of the more pleasant things that my randomness produced. I wonder, if I hadn’t sat on that table outside and you decided to go away for the weekend, would we have come as far as we have? Would we have met under a different circumstance it I had come earlier than was intended?

In the end, the course of things just seemed to flow in a comfortably convenient way. By the time the flow subsided, I decided that I wanted to be happy. By some odd circumstance, that happiness was with you.

It was the most welcome oddity I ever had the chance of knowing.

I Don’t Know About You

…But I’m not feeling 22. Not that I’m 22 yet. I’m about two months away from feeling anything remotely 22. I’m feeling just about 14 right now. You’re rubbing off on me and I think I’m liking it.

I’m getting better and I’m feeling good about a lot of things. Everything’s looking brighter these days and I’m forgetting about the rain in all its constant glory. I’m just about ready to burst out in a song and do a dance number every time I walk out of the house. There’s a certain spring in my step again and all sorts of non-poetry are spouting off from me. It can only mean that I’m happy.

I’m happy but I’m terrified.

I’d hate to lose these small things that lie in between. I’ve decided that you would be the last one I’m playing against. In this whirlwind I’ve brought in, I’ll take a stand while holding you in my thoughts. You’re probably all the determination I need right now. With you, I can dream again.

With you, I know I can be better.

Happy Kids

I don’t know what we’re getting at and I don’t know where we’re going to take this. In a proverbial point of no return, perhaps we’ll make it and I’m hopeful that we’re going to. However, the choice isn’t with me. I gave it to you a few miles back in this surreal carnival we’ve been exploring. It’s all on you now – to take or leave everything. Here’s a caution: there are no gray spaces with me.

I’m your stranger. Jump.

Kwentong Weirdo

Ang mga saktong tagpo ng buhay na matagal nang naka-stuck sa aking folders at ngayon lang na-post.

AKA the typical pang-asar moments na akala mo ikaw

AKA mga nakakabadtrip na scenario ngayong panahong ito

Martyrdom:

Dyan ka at dito ako. Ganun naman palagi ang tagpo. Malapit tayo kung sa malapit at pareho nga siguro ang pagkakatupi ng mga sikmura natin. Hindi naman ito isang tagpong tinadhanang mangyari. Nangyari lang talagang nandyan ka at nandito ako nung panahong dapat siguro’y ibang tao dapat ang nakatayo riyan at ibang tao ang naka-upo rito.

Magte-text ka mamaya. Inaabangan ko ang paghihinalo ng celphone ko sa magdamagan nating session. Lagi naman tayong ganito dahil kahit di ko alam na alam mong nandito ako, may mangyayaring kakaiba na magaganap sa ating pagsasama. Ngayon mas sigurado akong makakatikim ako ng mensahe mo lalo na’t nararamdaman kong dumating na ang araw na hinihintay mo. Dumating na rin ata ang araw na sanhi ng ilang paglalasing na naganap sa buhay ko.

Lumalalim na ang gabi. Ang hamog ay unti-unting gumagapang sa aking mga buto. Sa mga pagkakataong gaya nito, niloloko ko ang aking sarili na nandyan ka. Nandyan ka’t ikaw ang sanhi ng maligayang init sa mga gabing kagaya nito. Pero hindi. Kung nasaang ‘dyan’ ka man ngayon, malayung-malayo yan mula rito.

Hindi mo rin naman maiintindihan kung sakali mang ipaliwanag ko sa ‘yo ang mga bagay na hindi ko masabi. Hindi ko rin maiintindihan kung bakit hindi mo maintindihan. Ganun tayo kagulo pero sa kabila nito, alam kong nagkakaintindihan tayo na hindi na dapat tayo humantong sa kung ano man ang gusto kong patunguhan natin. Alam nating pareho na nandyan ka lang at nandito ako kaya wala tayong problema.

Teka, nag-text ka na pala.

“Best, kami na! J”

Tangina. May happy face pa.

Kabobohan:

Ilang habambuhay na ba ang dumaan? Akala ko kasi nung unang panahon, nung bata pa tayo, habambuhay tayong maglalayag sa himpapawid ng ating mga pangarap. Peksman diba? Hope to die at cross my heart ang pangakong binitawan. Lumipas na ba ang habambuhay?

Nag-eskandalo ang celphone ko. Nag-text ka.

Pinilit kong intinidihin ang nakasulat pero ang lumabas ay parang usapan sa pagitan ng German at Ilokano. Kahit anong pilit, ayaw salain ng utak ko ang simpleng ingles at tagalog mong mensahe ng walang humpay na pagpapaliwanag. Kalkuladong sulat sa denumerong celphone. Parang nung mga panahong sumasali ka sa patimpalak ng oratoryo, praktisado at pulido ang bawat bitiw mo ng salita. Di ko akalaing darating ang araw na sa akin mo gagamitin ang talent mong iyon.

Sinubukan mo. Hindi ko maisumbat sa ‘yo na pareho lang tayong sumubok. Sa ating dalawa kasi ako lang naman ang tumigil na sa pagsubok ng kung anu-ano. Ang nagging mali ko lang, hindi kita inimbitahang sabayan ako at lisanin na nang tuluyan yang pagsubok na ‘yan.

Sinubukan ko pero…

Pero kasi hindi rin sakto. Hindi kasi pasok sa gusto mong mangyari kaya ganito nalang. Walang hanggang dedmahan – dedmahang alam naman nating hindi talaga dedma pero pwede na. Saktong dyahe lang pag nagkikita tayong dalawa. Tangina, tinalo pa natin ang coke sa sobrang kasaktohan ng pinag-gagagawa natin.

…hindi ko kayang kalimutan siya.

Simple lang. Ilang habambuhay na ba naipangako mo sa kung sinu-sino? Hindi kita masisi pero sana hindi ka nalang rin nagdahilan. Alam ko hindi mo kayang magka-amnesia para sa akin pero sana kahit isang habambuhay lang pinatikim mo sa akin. Hindi naman ako mareklamo pero ano pa bang masasabi ko sa ‘yo? Said na said na ako. Nakakapagod kang seryosohin.

Sana sa akin ka nalang nagpakatanga.

Kwento ni Leslie:

Simpleng buhay lang naman ang gusto pero parang kahit ata iyon hindi kayang ibigay sa akin ng tadhana. Hindi ako mahilig sa mga komplikadong bagay. Ayaw na ayaw kong gawing komplikado ang mga bagay na pwede naming simple nalang o kaya madali. Pwede naman nating makuha ang gusto natin with minimal effort kung gugustuhin.

Naging mabait naman akong tao. Hindi naman ako pala-away o kaya ay nakapatay. Kung tutuusin, isa ako sa mga boring na tao na may boring na buhay.

Pero sinira mo lahat iyon noong nakilala kita.

Ang gwapo mo, ‘tol. Hindi ko ‘yan ikakaila. Ialang beses akong napatigagal tuwing dadaan ka sa harapan ko. Nalalaglag panga ko tuwing dadaan ka. Hindi ko alam saan ako magtatago dahil natutunaw ako tuwing nakikita ka. Hindi ko na magawang simple ang buhay ko mula noong dumating ka.

Sabagay, paano nga ba magiging simple ang lahat kung ang gusto mo at ang gusto ko ay taliwas ngunit iisa. Nagkataon nga lang siguro at  ngayon na ang time ko para pagtripan ng tadhana. Hindi ko akalaing tataamaan pa ako sa kagaya mo. Sa  mga talinghagang ito, ilang ulit ka na ring lumitaw at lumayo. Ilang beses ko na ring inisip kung bakit ba parang napagti-tripan lang lahat tayo. Sa dinami-dami ng pwede, ikaw pa na ang trip ay kapareho ko.

Sana, sa susunod lalake naman ang maging trip mo.