Happy Kids

I don’t know what we’re getting at and I don’t know where we’re going to take this. In a proverbial point of no return, perhaps we’ll make it and I’m hopeful that we’re going to. However, the choice isn’t with me. I gave it to you a few miles back in this surreal carnival we’ve been exploring. It’s all on you now – to take or leave everything. Here’s a caution: there are no gray spaces with me.

I’m your stranger. Jump.

Kwentong Weirdo

Ang mga saktong tagpo ng buhay na matagal nang naka-stuck sa aking folders at ngayon lang na-post.

AKA the typical pang-asar moments na akala mo ikaw

AKA mga nakakabadtrip na scenario ngayong panahong ito

Martyrdom:

Dyan ka at dito ako. Ganun naman palagi ang tagpo. Malapit tayo kung sa malapit at pareho nga siguro ang pagkakatupi ng mga sikmura natin. Hindi naman ito isang tagpong tinadhanang mangyari. Nangyari lang talagang nandyan ka at nandito ako nung panahong dapat siguro’y ibang tao dapat ang nakatayo riyan at ibang tao ang naka-upo rito.

Magte-text ka mamaya. Inaabangan ko ang paghihinalo ng celphone ko sa magdamagan nating session. Lagi naman tayong ganito dahil kahit di ko alam na alam mong nandito ako, may mangyayaring kakaiba na magaganap sa ating pagsasama. Ngayon mas sigurado akong makakatikim ako ng mensahe mo lalo na’t nararamdaman kong dumating na ang araw na hinihintay mo. Dumating na rin ata ang araw na sanhi ng ilang paglalasing na naganap sa buhay ko.

Lumalalim na ang gabi. Ang hamog ay unti-unting gumagapang sa aking mga buto. Sa mga pagkakataong gaya nito, niloloko ko ang aking sarili na nandyan ka. Nandyan ka’t ikaw ang sanhi ng maligayang init sa mga gabing kagaya nito. Pero hindi. Kung nasaang ‘dyan’ ka man ngayon, malayung-malayo yan mula rito.

Hindi mo rin naman maiintindihan kung sakali mang ipaliwanag ko sa ‘yo ang mga bagay na hindi ko masabi. Hindi ko rin maiintindihan kung bakit hindi mo maintindihan. Ganun tayo kagulo pero sa kabila nito, alam kong nagkakaintindihan tayo na hindi na dapat tayo humantong sa kung ano man ang gusto kong patunguhan natin. Alam nating pareho na nandyan ka lang at nandito ako kaya wala tayong problema.

Teka, nag-text ka na pala.

“Best, kami na! J”

Tangina. May happy face pa.

Kabobohan:

Ilang habambuhay na ba ang dumaan? Akala ko kasi nung unang panahon, nung bata pa tayo, habambuhay tayong maglalayag sa himpapawid ng ating mga pangarap. Peksman diba? Hope to die at cross my heart ang pangakong binitawan. Lumipas na ba ang habambuhay?

Nag-eskandalo ang celphone ko. Nag-text ka.

Pinilit kong intinidihin ang nakasulat pero ang lumabas ay parang usapan sa pagitan ng German at Ilokano. Kahit anong pilit, ayaw salain ng utak ko ang simpleng ingles at tagalog mong mensahe ng walang humpay na pagpapaliwanag. Kalkuladong sulat sa denumerong celphone. Parang nung mga panahong sumasali ka sa patimpalak ng oratoryo, praktisado at pulido ang bawat bitiw mo ng salita. Di ko akalaing darating ang araw na sa akin mo gagamitin ang talent mong iyon.

Sinubukan mo. Hindi ko maisumbat sa ‘yo na pareho lang tayong sumubok. Sa ating dalawa kasi ako lang naman ang tumigil na sa pagsubok ng kung anu-ano. Ang nagging mali ko lang, hindi kita inimbitahang sabayan ako at lisanin na nang tuluyan yang pagsubok na ‘yan.

Sinubukan ko pero…

Pero kasi hindi rin sakto. Hindi kasi pasok sa gusto mong mangyari kaya ganito nalang. Walang hanggang dedmahan – dedmahang alam naman nating hindi talaga dedma pero pwede na. Saktong dyahe lang pag nagkikita tayong dalawa. Tangina, tinalo pa natin ang coke sa sobrang kasaktohan ng pinag-gagagawa natin.

…hindi ko kayang kalimutan siya.

Simple lang. Ilang habambuhay na ba naipangako mo sa kung sinu-sino? Hindi kita masisi pero sana hindi ka nalang rin nagdahilan. Alam ko hindi mo kayang magka-amnesia para sa akin pero sana kahit isang habambuhay lang pinatikim mo sa akin. Hindi naman ako mareklamo pero ano pa bang masasabi ko sa ‘yo? Said na said na ako. Nakakapagod kang seryosohin.

Sana sa akin ka nalang nagpakatanga.

Kwento ni Leslie:

Simpleng buhay lang naman ang gusto pero parang kahit ata iyon hindi kayang ibigay sa akin ng tadhana. Hindi ako mahilig sa mga komplikadong bagay. Ayaw na ayaw kong gawing komplikado ang mga bagay na pwede naming simple nalang o kaya madali. Pwede naman nating makuha ang gusto natin with minimal effort kung gugustuhin.

Naging mabait naman akong tao. Hindi naman ako pala-away o kaya ay nakapatay. Kung tutuusin, isa ako sa mga boring na tao na may boring na buhay.

Pero sinira mo lahat iyon noong nakilala kita.

Ang gwapo mo, ‘tol. Hindi ko ‘yan ikakaila. Ialang beses akong napatigagal tuwing dadaan ka sa harapan ko. Nalalaglag panga ko tuwing dadaan ka. Hindi ko alam saan ako magtatago dahil natutunaw ako tuwing nakikita ka. Hindi ko na magawang simple ang buhay ko mula noong dumating ka.

Sabagay, paano nga ba magiging simple ang lahat kung ang gusto mo at ang gusto ko ay taliwas ngunit iisa. Nagkataon nga lang siguro at  ngayon na ang time ko para pagtripan ng tadhana. Hindi ko akalaing tataamaan pa ako sa kagaya mo. Sa  mga talinghagang ito, ilang ulit ka na ring lumitaw at lumayo. Ilang beses ko na ring inisip kung bakit ba parang napagti-tripan lang lahat tayo. Sa dinami-dami ng pwede, ikaw pa na ang trip ay kapareho ko.

Sana, sa susunod lalake naman ang maging trip mo.

Ikanai de Ikanai de

Kotonoha4

Me, unable to reach the dreams I keep on chasing after, 
and you, crouching down under the great weight of every passing day;
through the same loneliness, we connected. I’ve never forgotten a thing.

I wonder if it will clear. My heart is once again under the crying sky. 
I am here because you were there in my life. 
Oh, I call out, even if you can’t hear it anymore.

Kotonoha – Kotonoha no Niwa

Sino Ang Tunay na Baliw?

Anong nadarama kapag nakikita kang dumarating. Natutuliro, hindi malaman ang gagawin.

Weirdo lang ako. Hindi naman ako malalim kausap. Usually, mukha lang akong maraming iniisip at marami akong nalilinlang dahil dito. Ang totoo, iniisip ko lang kung anong kakainin ko mamaya. I usually think with my stomach. Madaming panahon na akong muntik mapahamak dahil sa libreng pagkain. Hindi pa naman ako nagkakasakit nang malupit pero kung naiintindihan mo kung ano ang ibig kong sabihin, baka sabihan mo lang ako ng tanga. Ganoon talaga siguro, may mga bagay talagang din na pinag-iisipan nang wagas. Parang ako. Kung pag-iisipan mo pa kung pano, bakit at para saan ang ginagawa ko ay mapapagod ka lang at mapupuyat sa kaiisip. Kadalasan wala naman talaga. Trip ko lang ‘yon kaya wag nang masyado pang pang pag-isipan.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko sa buhay. Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya. Sa ngayon kasi, dalawang bagay lang nagpapasaya sa akin (dahil din siguro madali akong maburyo sa mga bagay-bagay). Kung gusto mong malaman sasabihin ko na rin: pagkain at tao. Kung baga, the best things in life are free so if you’re free tonight, just call me. Pwede rin palang libreng pagkain, kakasa ako dyan nang walang kaabog-abog. I’ll take everything as long as it’s free, pare. Even you.

Tunog malandi lang pero sa totoo lang, ganyan lang talaga ako. It’s mostly empty to me but sometimes I tell the truth. Pero pag nagsabi na ako ng totoo wala namang naniniwala. Sanay na silang nanggagago lang ako kaya ayon, wala nang nagseseryoso.

Pwede namang hindi tayo complicated. Pwede naman tayong maging masaya. Hindi naman dapat tayo nabubuhay para mainis. Para saan pa’t nagkaroon ng comfort drive. Kaso iba-iba rin kasi ang trip ng bawat isa. Maaring ikaw o kaya siya ay may trip tulad ng ballet at zumba. Hindi ko trip ‘yon pero sige lang sasakyan kita kahit pareho na tayong mukhang tanga. Walang basagan ng trip para lahat tayo happy.

Weirdo lang ako. Natatame at natutuliro on a case to case basis. Kung ano man ibig sabihin noon, wag mo nang isipin. Mapapagod ka lang.

Nagpapa-deep lang ako.

Even Just for a Day

I saw an article before on Thought Catalogue about a person who, at some point in her life, dreamt of being a boy. Its title was something like, I Wanted to be a Boy. It’s like a Pinocchio story with a strange little twist; one of Pinocchio not being a puppet but an aloof little girl. I guess it’s still not the right time to be so free about these things. Try as we might, some people just won’t understand the sentiments underneath these things. At the very least, it would be awkwardness and misery. At most, it’s a tragedy.

For whatever it stands for, I still want to be a boy.

I’ve always liked the story of Peter Pan. I liked the idea of never growing old; to be free of maturity and all its worries. But as it stood, I never got enough fairy dust to go to Neverland. In short, I grew up. I outgrew clothes and hobbies. I even outgrew people. As the years progressed I forgot about a little girl’s dream – to be little boy.

I guess this is where it gets complicated. I have always been seen as a lesbian. I don’t have any problems with this because I really don’t care about these things anymore. What I don’t like, however, is when I get mistaken to be this or that girl’s girlfriend. The thing is, I don’t like girls.

I don’t like how they get complicated and bitchy every now and then. I don’t like how every month, there has to be a bloodbath in my bed. Ultimately, I don’t like how small things would start to hurt in a vomit-inducing way. Simply put, I don’t like how these things should always follow being a girl so I always surround myself with guy friends. I thought that compared to monthly bloodbaths, being an emotional butt plug would be a bit better.

As I was then, I would have tried everything to just stop being a girl.

Soon everything boiled down to emulation. I started to walk and talk like a boy. I tried to ride every inside joke and play just about every game they played. I tried to best them at just about everything but when puberty hit, it just kept on hitting.

I can no longer pretend, blend or hide. It was such a sad state of affairs that I always thought that getting through high school was something short of a miracle. My hair grew out and my old flat body started to form bumps and lumps in places I didn’t want them to be. I hated every inch of it. I felt uncomfortable in my body but I can’t just take another one like I was buying bread.

After a while, I grew tired of it all.

I wanted to be a boy but the blue fairy won’t come by.

If you ever see me lurking and skulking along, you’ll probably think of me as something awkward. I’m taller than girls but I’m shorter than boys. I’m little bit of both on the outside but I’m trying to put a little more girl in it.

I swear I’m trying.

I’ll see you when I get there.

5AM at Limay

Picture the first time you sampled your favorite food. It could have been a rainy day while you sat there savoring the gastronomical delight you happened to chance upon that day. It could have also been a hot, humid day. Beads of sweat could have clung to every pore of your being but you couldn’t really care less. You had in your mouth something that defined and changed you. As exaggerated as it seems, the food that you tasted on that day was probably the best one you’ll ever taste in this lifetime.

There would be no repetitions of the same sensation. There would be no second sampling of your first time. As sad and resigned as it would seem, the next time you would eat the same dish would always be a mock imitation of the first time you ever tasted it.

At a quarter before 5AM I find myself sitting on the floor of a foreign room and typing away on a topic that would seem to be about food. It could be right on the bat as nothing would actually stop me if I change my mind midway through this piece. I mean, who’s stopping me in this early morning light? No one, really. I can’t even stop this parade of thoughts cart-wheeling around in my head.

What am I even getting at here talking about food like it should even matter? No, it’s not about the food. It’s about the message.

It’s about the first time we’ll never be seeing again.

I’m this kind of person when it comes to strange memories. I remember trivial things about people. I find it easy to just pick from my tree of trivial things and to remember it vividly like some picture show. If this worked the same for me during my college years when I’m having a hard time remembering a lot of things, my life would have been a breeze. It would’ve been the easiest years of my life, but that’s beside the point right now. Back to trivial things, I remember most of them as shows where I’m the third person; like I’m part of the audience of a show about myself and my daily adventures.

Sometimes I’d be a rude commentator, lurking behind some obscure corner and cursing my past decisions. I’d be painfully embarrassed about so many things but in the end, I can do nothing but bear the flurry of memories. It’s not so bad when I sleep it off but some memories prove to sleep-proof every now and then.

One such memory would be from almost seven years ago. I was younger and wilder with no room to go. Mind you, I had no hardships in my life. I was just a very dramatic teenager but I doubt I’m ever alone in this kind of angst. Back to the point, I had no room to be what I wanted to be and in that frustrated state of mind I chanced upon a form of romance (like it ever does happen).

It was exhilarating at the very least. It was awkward, confused and, for the most part, dramatic. What could you possibly expect from a freshly-emerged teenager? It was the worst and the best mixed in a cocktail of acne and rabid hormones. Ultimately, it was the proof that maybe there some form of truth in the sad chick flicks we kept on watching on rainy days.

After a while, it would end as most things do. If you were one of the lucky ones you’d probably be sneering at this paragraph’s first sentence. You’d probably be thinking, this didn’t happen to me. You’d probably be feeling quite proud of yourself right about now. Sadly, I’m not exactly lucky when it comes to these things. I find that I don’t have a knack for making things last. It’s like an aria of futility in the never-ending serenade of life, love and everything in between. I’m the singer and I can’t even carry a single tune to save my life.

So at the end of it all, I try so hard to forget.

The problem is, you don’t ever forget. It’s easy to say that you do but every once in a while, you will remember. You will remember these things with such great clarity that it would be almost crippling. Your body will remember all these things: the subtle blush, the rush of a young heart, the sweat in your palms. Ultimately, you will thirst for it for a fraction in eternity and then it will collapse. You will get back to reality and regain as much composure as you can. However flustered you may be, you will just cover it with a smirk and get on living because you know full well that it was just a memory you no longer have to remember.

At the end of a long day when you’re already between the state of sleep and wake you will admit what you couldn’t in all the days that passed – the first one would always be the one that got away.

It will be sad but you’ll be sleeping it off, anyway.

Uniform

petron yeh

This be Batch 23